Sometimes I can't think of the person I'm going to grow up to be. And it's funny because I look at the person I am right now and I think: where do I want to go?
The answer can be simple. As simple as a sentence or a phrase or a word. I want to go....[ ______ ].
But, sometimes, I manage to change up the question I am answering. I look at the question as a Great Inquisitor descending on me and tearing me apart. So all I do is not answer anyone who asks me who I want to be when I am older. Usually, I tell them I'm not sure. Sounds like an okay answer. Sounds like an answer to a conversation that I don't want to continue. But that's okay. Because I still don't know where I want to go. And so, I'm stuck. Standing here between a rock and a hard place.
I could be complaining, but who is going to judge me? This is my life. This is my story. These are my choices. So let me think for a moment why I think it's funny when I answer "Who do I want to be?"
Recently, I vented on a sheet of paper - all my thoughts about myself. And I felt torn a bit. I wanted someone to tell me, to read this piece of paper, that what I was feeling is okay. We all have those kinds of tearing feelings sometimes. And learning how to deal and soothe them is what makes our perspective better.
Maybe what I was considering in the question all along was the wrong way. Maybe I have to stop using the word maybe.
Okay.
Perspective changes everything. Perspective changes nothing. Who I want to be changes with perspective. Who I want to be is to understand what I like. What I hate. And channel it into something I find for the moment bearable. So, I'll take a breath. And appreciate the life I have now. And maybe someday, I will find this question actually funny.
